if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
