Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
