im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
