just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
