you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
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