You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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