He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
