i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
