and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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