Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
