There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
