I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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