I looked at my own cervix.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
