OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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