fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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