I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
