Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
