somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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