i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You can't special order awesome
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Your penis caused this!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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