So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
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It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize