I'm so fucking centered right now
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
