Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
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It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
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I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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