Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
