The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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