The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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