We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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