I don't usually arrange sex via text message
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
