im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
