imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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