Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
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At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
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I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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