hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
