Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
