My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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