Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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