And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
