Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
