Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
