You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
