Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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