i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
