Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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