I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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