Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
