Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
