I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
