I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
