I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
