if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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