I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
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