You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
