Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
