Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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