my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
So. Much. Porn.
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