I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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