You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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