just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
